Manvitha's Musings

  I keep telling myself it was a mistake, a devil in disguise, something that should have never even happened. I try to give myself closure by trying to despise you for not giving more or reaching out. Not because I expected something of the sort from you, but because I know how hurt and angry you feel from that look in your eyes that fills mine with sympathy. I know that I'm not the only one carrying this whole thing. You keep being kept in the dark, bombarded with the weight of words, and then pushed away. I know how hurt you are, and I can't help but care. Care for you. How you're doing. Whether you're ok or not. And that's why I trained myself to despise you, to hate you, to treat it all like a mistake, like it was never meant to be. Because hating you makes moving on easier. Simpler. Less crushing and heavy and suffocating and sad. But it still hurts to see you cry. I still wish I could reach out. I still wish we could just talk things through, fix it, go back ...

  I miss the days when I was bulging Not with grief, but with hope But now all I have is myself My burning thoughts which don’t help me cope People, situations, events and time Are not in my hands Yet it stings like sour lime I want my control back Yet I see the cracks The words that still hurt The spark I want back I wish I could feel strong and grow With no shame, no pain that shows Yet I continue to crumble each day Wishing that I still stay. 

Food that used to taste like paradise now feels like chewing cardboard. Education that used to feel like a privilege is now just something that fills in the void. Indulgence that used to be enriching is now just a way to escape. Connections that used to feel lively are simply what keeps me going now. Passion that used to spark a fire now became subtle, hard to find. Eyes that used to hold so much joy are now struggling to hold back tears. A heart that used to bulge with joy, is now tired and numb and bursting with everything. Can life just please go back to normal? Because I miss those days.  That's all I have to say. 

  Isn't it a privilege to have fixable problems, when emotional intelligence comes to your aid? There's hope, there's light at the end of the tunnel and with that belief, grief starts to fade. But now it's not the same It's all my fault Misunderstandings Which tear it all apart.  Is this how it all was supposed to end, left with no spark, no life to mend? Yet I know that it's me that made it like this like something out of control, a forbidden wish. I feel tired of chasing away these thoughts So I try to fill the void with distraction and whatnot. Can dreams be fuelled from an empty mind? Is there still any potential to find? Is it ok to keep asking, Or should I shut it out? Should I let it be the end, Embrace it like a friend? I still find it hard, still wish it never happened, but the question is, Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

 I look up at the sky, watching the beams of sunlight slowly disappear behind the clouds. I stand there, watching day turn into night, watching the sky turn into midnight blue with pink hues still seeping in below. Despite the sheer beauty and vastness of the world above, a world where clouds and stars are like dreams, whispers woven into the air, a single tear rolls down my cheek. I look up at the sky and think, “Don’t the stars get tired of shining so bright?”. So alluring, so illuminating, but don’t stars get tired too? I try to imagine them staring down at me from above, watching the tears sting my eyes and roll down my cheeks, laughing and teasing me for losing my spark so easily. The thought of it nearly makes me laugh. “But stars don’t just shine,” I say softly to no one but myself and the world above. “They burn. Sometimes they blast. You know, like supernovas.’ I finally sit down and look at the now starry sky, a dark black shade now showing the dazzling stars ever so clea...

 I don't know what to say but still you manage to make my heart sway Is this how it feels to love? So awkward But you're my comfort Is this how it feels to love? Moving closer in the dark No thoughts of anything falling apart Is this how it feels to love? I keep replaying it in my brain and tend to savor the pouring rain Is this how it feels to love? I have no words for what you do I wish that you were in my shoes Is this how it feels to love? I feel the spark I think you do too Is this how it feels to love?